Nothing ventured, Nothing gained.
I’m not sure if I have ever wanted to really gain any thing. Wealth, Power, notoriety. I’ve just happily plodded along, making a mess; but not really noticing the mess I was in. Striving for a goal is difficult to do if you are unsure if you are worth the role. Particularly if you can not trust your own decisions, do I really want this? Whatever this is.
Indecision is easy, making choices is difficult. I’m not sure how many times I can count where I have made a decision based on what I felt I need. I’ve made plenty of decisions with the views and wants of others being paramount. Easy. I’ve made hundreds of non decisions, where I’ve allowed my indecision to run on for so long that the time to make a choice is no longer in my control. Super easy. I can go without.
Do you want tea or coffee? Sure I’ll just have what you’re having-I don’t mind-whatever’s easiest. THIS-for every choice-my entire life!
Making decision dictated by my own choices, wants and needs, learning what my values and opinions are, new and hard. Saying yes to one thing is saying no to all the other choices, and that’s OK. Every choice might not be the right one, but if it felt right at the time then I can stand by my decision and learn from my mistakes. Not super easy, but important.
Mistakes, real ones, when you are responsible, you don’t push the blame onto some one or some thing else.They are painful and invaluable. I made some mistakes raising a DinoBoy. I learnt how in a very difficult way. Not that I’d change that process, because it has shown me how to make real choices. Ones I can trust, because I’m listening to my self. Learning to talk also means learning to listen. One is redundant without the other. I can’t always be right, because that would be unrealistic and frankly would bore me to tears.
I can trust the value of my own choices, this in turn opens an authenticity that others can trust. It takes time and practice, but it’s worth it. I know more of what I want and need, it is visible in my choices. A good friend gave me an opportunity to create some thing for Caboodle Magazine. I said yes. It took a while to feel like I could do it. I put it off till I thought the dead line had passed or was too close to call. (Awareness of my behavioural loops, I can reflect and assess.Learning) By absorbing and half believing the confidence others had in my ability to do it, I got it done. Feels unreal. We made a little bit of magic.
Gloruious magic, it’s honest and a little gritty, but fucking beautiful to the core.
I’m venturing out in the world and gaining what I need. YES to coffee, ALWAYS.