I’m not sure what I’m doing, but it’s different and it’s getting me somewhere other. Honesty has never meant so much, been this brutal or emotive. Have you ever been honest with your self? I’m learning, it isn’t easy. I used to think I was OK, that everyone is a bit broken and that’s just how it is. I’m delving into my broken bits and sitting with them. Some times they don’t like to be sat with. Sometimes I want to run.
Learning how you think is an exciting experience. I draw and make because that’s how I make sense of the world and how I feel about it. Now I have a growing confidence and awareness that means I can keep drawing and being honest. Looking back at my processes, installations and drawings I can see what I wasn’t willing to say. An inner monologue silently screaming. Courage and honesty means narrowing the gap between what I mean and what I draw, unapologetic and with purpose. I want to draw and know what it means, not look to the audience for my meaning. This authority takes confidence.
Learning how to use your voice is a scary and exhausting experience. I started talking a year ago. Pretty vague sounding but not knowing how to speak your mind, to pin down how you feel is a common way to be. Living in the same loops of behaviour is oddly comfortable. Confidence in knowing how to play the loop. How to play the game, comfort in chaos. If you’ve never felt safe, it’s easy to exist in chaos. Being honest means leaving behind some chaos. It takes courage, to be seen and heard. Courage means being honest with your self, and those around you.
Illustrating with purpose, finding what I’m aiming for and going for it. If I miss a few times, I learn and adjust. It’s going to be gory, brutal, uncomfortable, and that’s OK. It’s worth it.